I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
