Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
