**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
