i just wanna soil my oats bro
I puked a lego.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
