took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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