I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
