This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Then you guys just all showered together...?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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