I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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