if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize