Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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