He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
