it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
