You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
