You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
