we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
