I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
