STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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