I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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