apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
