What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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