I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
