I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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