it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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