I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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