your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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