No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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