Fuck appropriateness.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
