they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
