We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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