the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
