I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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