Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
