Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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