please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
