why didn't you poke me back
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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