I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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