the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
