She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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