He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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