Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He is an equal opportunity slut.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
