Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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