at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
