I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
