How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
