i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
