I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
