the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
