I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize