Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
All the doctor said was why
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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