Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
