Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
