Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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