So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
