Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
