Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
