then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
